Couple Thoughts

A couple thoughts about my grandma passing and just things in general.  There's been alot of talk about grandma passing and us not having a familial gathering.  I knew that my grandma didn't want a funeral, she didn't want a wake or anything like that...so that makes it difficult for us to mourn.  I talked to my shrink about this and he said to write a letter to my grandma and just tell her the things that I would want to say.  It seems like a cheesy idea, and I mentioned that idea to John and he said that he thought of that idea for Robert, that the idea must have some credence.  I don't think I'm ready to send a final letter to my grandma, she was with us for my entire life, she lived with my parents house so she was always around.  Going bowling and raving about what a great score she got, or even volunteering at the Glendale Heights hospital...she would always call that her 'work'...."well, I have to go to work at the hospital".  Whenever she got to the point where she couldn't drive anymore, she would ask one of us to drive her to the hospital and bring her back, we would also go shopping at the mall, go out to eat, and like my sister Mary said, it always made us feel special because we were with our grandma.  I have posted a couple of pictures of the last couple years that she was with us.  I think that's a huge part of this mourning process too, that for the last years she was at a facility that helped her along, but we didn't see her for the longest time.  The last time I saw her, it was a pretty bad scene, I was with my mom, and she didn't recognize me or my mom.  I remember when I was a kid and I went to go see my other grandma (Pehl) in the nursing home, and my mom went in first to go see her, and she came back and she said that it wasn't a good idea if I went in the room because she wasn't doing well.  I apparently insisted to go in the room and see her, and she immediately recognized me...I asked her what she was watching and she said "Judge Wapner" with some energy.  I guess that's what I expected to happen when I last saw my Grandma Rosen, but it didn't happen that way.  I do have some memories of going to that facility with my Dad, my sister and her boys, and having a good visit then.  She got to hold the babies, and seemed very happy to see everyone.  I guess the hardest part of this mourning process is that there is no way to say goodbye....she's just.....up and gone.  I know it's totally selfish of me to think that I should have had an opportunity to say goodbye, but that's how I feel dammit.  I feel like we're all walking around not knowing how to say goodbye.  I've also heard that no one can tell you how to mourn, that every person has to find a way by themselves to mourn.  I cry, I think about all the times that we were together and it's hard to say goodbye.  I think it's the hardest to say goodbye because we're far away from her.  I guess that's not true, because she'll always be close to our hearts and inside our memories. I just wish there was a way that we collectively could say goodbye, but that doesn't seem realistic.  All of her grandchildren have families of their own now, and are far away.  I guess it's up to us to find a way to mourn and say goodbye.  Although I don't want to say goodbye....It just feels like there are so many people that have been taken from me.  My best friend Robert...it's going to be 5 months that he has passed and I'm sure....I'm sure that I haven't mourned for him...he was taken in such a horrible way, a massive heart attack, he was 43 for christs sake. It makes me mad, and that selfish feeling comes back that says that I want to say goodbye to him, but there was no opportunity to say goodbye, much like this situation.  I can't type anymore, I'm crying to hard. More later.