Thursday, April 29, 2010

Musings of Whatever

So, I was sitting in the grass after taking a looong scooter ride (from 31st and say main to the place where ward pkwy ends and hits wornall right beofre 95th or Bannister.) Here's a screenshot that I tool to show you the route

So I was sitting by myself in a patch of grass and lo and behold this Canada Goose comes walking up to me. He probably wanted some food, I couldn't offer him any food but for some reason I thought how odd. I stood up and he gave me sort of the defensive stance lowering his head and looking like he was I stepped back, I didn't want to bother him (or her). So I snapped a couple of pictures, I'm having problems with my picasa account, I am apparently over the limit of pictures I can store, so I'll have to do some sorting through.

I have yet to write anything about my friend John passing. He passed this past weekend, and I don't even know what to say, he was my closest friend, my teacher in life, my brother. I'll forever be indebted to him for his wisdom, his strength (surviving 10+ years with stage IV kidney cancer) his warrior like attitude when it came to his treatment. I'm sure I'll have more to say, it's simply to raw right now. I have to find out when the cremation is, what's happening with everything, I feel totally out of the loop, and it doesn't feel good, because with John, we tried to communicate as much as was possible. I'm rambling now. More later.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

In Memoriam

My best friend John passed away early yesterday. Totally unexpectadley. I am still reeling in shock about this. Antying you can do, send good thoughts, I hate to use the word prayer but I know many people use that to help others. i wouldn't be opposed to some prayers and good thoughts/white energy to send my and John White's family's way.

thank you. here's a pic of John from not to long ago at my place. I already miss him terribly.

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Monday, April 19, 2010


43 years ago, CBS News aired this 45-minute "news special" about the "homosexual problem" in America. hat tip to Red Letter Day

Thursday, April 15, 2010


What a difference 6 years makes. I took this pic on Jan 3, 2004 With all the baby daddy drama going on, and they're speration. it's an amazing and ultimately sad story about how lies and deciet can bring a person down and they crash and burn. This picture was taken at a theater in Kansas City, and after John Kerry, John Edwards was one of he most down to earth/regular guy/guy you want to have a beer with. I remember crying after his speech because it was so sincere, and nothing I had ever experienced before.

John Edwards Sex Tape? The Headline You Knew Was Coming

(AP Photo/Jim R. Bounds)RALEIGH (CBS/AP) As if John Edwards was not dealing with enough problems already, new reports have surfaced that the former Democratic presidential candidate has starred in his very own tape that contains "several sex acts," reports media Photo: John Edwards and videographer Rielle Hunter in a Dec. 27, 2006 photo from the National Enquirer. The list of Edwards' troubles has been piling up. Last week, Edwards admitted that he fathered a child with Rielle Hunter, a videographer he hired before his second White House bid. In a new book, a former aide claims that Edwards asked him to fake a paternity test and steal one of the baby's diapers to perform a DNA test on its poop. Photo: John Edwards and wife Elizabeth Edwards in 2007. Edwards is also facing questions about whether he improperly used campaign funds in paying more than $100,000 to Hunter’s production company. The alleged sex tape which is said to feature Edwards and Hunter, "is explicit and reveals that Edwards 'is physically very striking, in a certain area,'" the site reported. Edwards' aide, Andrew Young, reportedly found the footage on an unmarked tape. Young mentioned the existence of the tape in his book proposal last year, theNew York Daily News reported. Photo: Rielle Hunter and daughter Aug. 6, 2009. He is scheduled to release the book on Feb. 2. Young initially claimed paternity of Edwards' child with Hunter. Frances was born Feb. 27, 2008, indicating that the child was conceived in the spring of 2007, several months after Hunter stopped working for Edwards. John and Elizabeth Edwards renewed their wedding vows in July of 2007 to celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary. Elizabeth Edwards, whose cancer returned in an incurable form in March 2007, has stood by her husband despite the affair. She has said that it does not matter to her whether her husband fathered a child with Hunter, saying, "that would be a part of John's life, but not a part of mine." Since admitting the affair in August 2008, John Edwards has largely gone into seclusion. He has acknowledged a federal investigation into his campaign finances while both Young and Hunter — with her child — have made appearances at a federal courthouse in Raleigh. In the statement Edwards released Thursday, he said, "I will do everything in my power to provide her (Frances) with the love and support she deserves. I have been able to spend time with her during the past year and trust that future efforts to show her the love and affection she deserves can be done privately and in peace." Edwards also said, "It was wrong for me ever to deny she was my daughter and hopefully one day, when she understands, she will forgive me." Harrison Hickman, Edwards' longtime political adviser, called the situation "a lot more complicated than people think." "There are a lot of adults involved," Hickman said in an interview broadcast on NBC's "Today" show. "I think they wanted to handle this in the right way." "Elizabeth thinks that he should acknowledge this," Hickman said. He said it "has been a very difficult time for everyone...but especially for Elizabeth." Edwards, a U.S. senator representing North Carolina from 1998 until his vice presidential bid in 2004, acknowledged in May that federal investigators were looking into how he used campaign funds. Grand jury proceedings are secret, and the U.S. attorney's office in Raleigh has declined to confirm or deny an investigation.


this is an ooold was in my draft folder from god knows when

I've been feeling a bit odd lately, the best word that I can come up with is melancholy. defnies melancholy as sober thoughtfulness; pensiveness. I have been exhilirated about the inauguration of Barack Obama, and quite hopefull for his success. I just can't seem to shake this feeling of these racing thoughts that are in my brain. I just had an intake appointment at Truman Medical Center's Behavioral Health to set me up with a new psychologist and I'm raring to go with that. I suppose it's the confluence of having to go over my past experiences, both good and bad, within that intake appointment that has gotten me to this melancholy point. I am starting to realize that my problems with depression, and anxiety are more serious than I had anticipated. I understand that I have these issues, and for the last year or so I have been attending therapy sessions with a counsellor that I really appreciate. What I think has led me to this point is that I have started seeing a new doctor, and she after reviewing my past files, and my past experiences has reccomended that I go to a new psychologist. I have to say that after that intake appointment, the fact that I have these issues have hit me harder than anytime before. Maybe it's a self-awareness that I haven't had before, maybe it's a confluence of things that I don't understand yet. What the pervasive theme of these new doctors and shrinks etc have relayed to me is that I am in need of an actual professional psychologist. One thing that I can be thankful for, is that I am not in any way ashamed of my past, or my current issues. I know that I am working on them on my own, and with the generous help of my longtime counsellor George. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's hitting me that these issues are more serious than I had originally anticipated, and I also realize that there is tons of work to do, both personally and with these professionals. I am again, so thankful, to these people for helping me along with the process.

I actually feel quite good about the last year or so, in terms of my psychological well being. I, for the first time in my life have taken responsibility for the actions that I have taken in the past and I am working on myself and my thoughts, my actions and my relationship with those around me every day. This is not to say that every day is a good day, there are certainly really crappy days that the depression takes hold and despite the medication, basically takes over. The only thing that I can do to counter that experience is just to be PRESENT, and to feel what I am feeling authentically, and not be in a place of judgement, but just to let it go, because I've learned to try and fight it is exactly the wrong thing to do. One of things that my wonderful friend Bukeka and I often talk about is being the 'observer self'. That entails not only to be present in the moment that whatever feelings come up, but to also observe what my reactions to the feelings, and observe my actions in response to the feelings. It gives me a sense of peace to be able to not only take this depression in stride, but also to take a new angle at fighting it. To be the observer self, which ia a wonderful tool to help in the process of figuring out what this is stemming from and what I can do to fight the negative, racing thoughts that come into my brain.

This is one of my first personally written posts on this blog, and it is quite personal, but I strive to keep fighting the good fight, be present in my feelings, my actions, and my reactions. I know I am doing so much better than before, it just seems that despire all the work I've done in the last two years or so, there seems to be a gargantuan amount of work to do ahead, not all is pretty, most of it is working through the issues that have led me to this point. I do have a sense of optimism that I can get through this, that the only way to go is up now. On the other hand, I feel as though there is a mountain of work still to be done. I am going to do the best I know how and thanks to the wonderful counsellor G.WineChase that I've been seeing the whole process seems to be on the upswing.

The only thing I know for sure, is to put one foot in front of the other, to keep on working on myself on a daily basis, to be keenly aware of the issues that I have and to take those into consideration and most of all be gentle with myself because I've treated myself so harshly in the past, blaming myself for all the crap that has happened. I have a long way to go, and I feel that I am working towards a good goal of maintaining my mental health, and not let it spiral into a downward trajectory that has been so present in the past. I know the warning signs, I know what has to happen and I know what I am going to do to go forward. Be aware, be present, and be gentle with myself. I don't think many people read this blog, it's mostly for posterity that I keep this going, but I love having a forum to throw these things down....which is a part of the process. Moving forward through the step in front of the other. What else can anyone expect of themselves or anyone else? To keep working on everything, to be present, and to be aware. One step at a time, one day at a time.

On one hand I feel quite content that I have these people helping me, because I know that I need help. One the other hand I have come to realization that these issues are still with me, and if I keep a keen awareness of these issues, and work on them, than I do have hope that one day (and I know that it will never be easy) I won't have to struggle with this as much as I have in the past. So I say with a spirit of gratitude to all the people that have helped me along the way, Thank you thank you thank you, and to those people that are going to start helping me, thank you in advance. I'm not sure if this post is just a rambling post, but it seems that this is what I've written down for now. Hopefully I can find a place of contentment that I've been seeking for what seems a lifetime. If there are any resources that anyone can reccomend, I'd be very open to hearing your thoughts about the subject. Please email me at


more bukeka stuff


I made an ad for Bukeka's site on facebook...

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Halderon Collider

I don't know if anyone has been following this amazing story about the Halderon Collider. That link explains the premise of the collider, and so I clicked on the link that says the live status, and I got this page here. It seems to have been running at peak performance according to the graph at the left that measures 'intensity'. Doesn't it?

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Friday, April 9, 2010

Emmylou Harris tonight

Hi Bill!

I wanted to say hello to you because it has been a while since we've communicated. How are things? Things are good here in Decatur. I feel like it has been forever since I've spoken to you, and I thought I'd start by e-mailing and saying hello. Not much too crazy going on. I've been thinking of you and hoping things are going well for you. And to be completely honest, a case in the OR today is really giving me some perspective on life. I'm teaching clinicals in Springfield at Memorial Hospital, which is a level 1 Trauma/burn Center. We have a patient there who about 2 weeks ago tried to commit suicide by dousing herself with gas and starting herself on fire. Needless to say, she lived, but suffered 90 percent burns over her body. I have been working in the OR for a while now, and really not much bothers me. This case today did. She should not be alive according the the docs, and I saw her today, and all I could do was pray for this poor lady and thank god for all of the gifts in my life. She looked like no human should look, and I guess it made me want to say hello to my family and tell you that I love you. I hope things are well for you and I'd love to talk to you. I'll be up at mom and dad's starting Wednesday night. Cara and the girls will be up there starting tomorrow. Give a call if you can and be sure and take care.
I love you bill.

I love my family so much, sometimes I just can't handle it. Makes me be thankful for what I have. And for the time I have contemplating what my next moves are going to be in this midwest city I call home now. Why am I still in the midwest? or in the United States for that matter?

Kyra Phillips/CNN/curing gays.

If you are new to this controversy, check here here and there

Thursday, April 8, 2010

demon children confirmed!

Unfit Mother? as my neighbor.....grrrreat!!!!

well it seems as though I was correct, and that there are four children living in the next apartment. *cue Wagner*. I was just out in the front of the building smoking a cigarette when this women (with 3 children in the lobby) starts yelling and screaming at this other woman "you unfit mother bitch, you ho, u want to fight bitch?" and the woman who came out first got into her car and drove away while the other woman was screaming 'unfit mother bitch'. All while I'm on the phone with my mother. In other family news my two brothers are coming to Kansas City this weekend. Apparently there is a bunch of stuff that they are bringing to me here in kc, supplies that my parents have stockpiled at their house. Who knows what it all will be, but my mom was telling me that it would take us about a half an hour to an hour to drop it all off.

I am excited for my brothers to visit, it's been too long that I haven't seen them. Actually now that I think about it, I saw both of them when Bukeka and Vince and I visited in November. I'm glad to have them spend some time with Vince as well. It's very important to me that my family is familiar with 'my family' which includes Vince and John. Another exciting thing that I haven't shared on my blog is that my parents invited me (and Vince) to come to Florida in June for the annual Rosen in Englewood vacation. A video that shows the gorgeousness of Englewood, FL. This specific video was taken at Stump Pass.
At the southwest corner of Charlotte County there is a mile of beach where seashells and shark teeth wash up, and anglers fish the surf for prize catches. Visitors can enjoy an excellent view of the Gulf of Mexico, as well as a stretch of undeveloped Florida coastline. Visitors come to this secluded beach to enjoy the year-round swimming and sunbathing; shelling is best during the winter months. A hiking trail passes through five distinct natural communities that provide homes for many species of wildlife; covered picnic tables are located along the trail. While at the park, visitors might see West Indian manatees, gopher tortoises, snowy egrets, least terns, and magnificent frigatebirds. Ranger-led turtle walks and beach nature walks are available in the summer. Located at the south end of Manasota Key off I-75, exit 191

Simply stunning. So, it turns out that Vince can't go with us, because he has school to deal with, so I inquired to see if John might want to go, and I talked with my parents and they said of course it's okay for him to go instead of Vince so John is coming to Englewood with us! Woo Hoo! I can't wait...I seriously can't wait, it's always so great to see everyone down there and to reunite with family and friends. It will be especially wonderful to have Johnsley down there with us. What a treat!