Sunday, May 29, 2011

Do You Believe You Are Worthy Of Love?

I Am Worthy of Love
by Bukeka Shoals

I am worthy of love
the kind you dream of
I am worthy of love
like stars are above
I am worthy of love

Once there was a time
when my frame of mind
was lost and alone
seems a long time ago I came to believe
that nobody loved me
and from then on I went searching
but never find love that was for real
but now i realize the truth
love's not envy loves not rude
love is patient love is kind
and so I made up my mind

I am worthy of love
the kind you dream of
I am worthy of love

Now when you look at me
All you will see is a soul that is free
free to believe that I am worthy of love
and love is worthy of me
and from now i'm denying any lack of love within my life
cuz now I realize the truth
loves no envy loves not rude
love is patient love is kind
and so I made up my mind

I see the truth and it set me free
There is a greater power in me

So I SO believe that I am worthy of love. It has been a long process. For some reason I am feeling a little autobiographical as of late. I have not always believed that I am worthy of love. Through various boyfriends, relationships, and trials and tribulations and with a good deal of one on one therapy, I have come to believe that I am worthy of love. Lets start with college. I was newly out of the closet (to myself and to friends, but not my family...who already knew that I was queer but was waiting for me to announce it.) So I had a group of new friends who I would hang out with and amoungst them were a bunch of gay people. I felt like Columbus discovering the new was an amazing experience. Lesbians fist fighting every other day, drunken adventures with the whole gang as well as rampant substance abuse. What every growing kid needs for a healthy college experience right? So even in my newly out of the closet mindset I was having issues with my parents. Basically I was lying to them about most everything in my life at that point. My grades, my sexuality etc. So my Mom would call me up in school and ask how everything was going, and I was tell her that everything was just fine. That led to stress, which led to depression, which then led to me not fulfilling my responsibilities. I felt as if I was walking around the campus with a big glass cage surrounding my every move. I could hear and see everything that was going on but it was like I was living in somene elses body. So this could only go on for so long and eventually my parents found out that I had been lying to them throughout the downward spiral and basically told me to pack my shit because they were removing me from school. I remember the conversation with my mom like it was yesterday. I went something like this. "Bill, we've given you chance after chance to get your shit together and you have chosen to squander those opportunities so pack your shit up, your father is coming to get you." So in my sheer panic of the moment I chose to use that conversation to come out of the closet to my parents. Great idea there Bill. I was so frightened that they would reject me and tell me to never come back and basically disown me. Basically it was the process of coming out that every gay man goes through at some point in their life. So anyway, to make a long story even longer I left Iowa and came home to not very happy parents. They at that point didn't even care...or not at thatpoint care that I was gay, it was more about my lying to them over and over. I can't really explain why I lied so much, I thought I could handle everything and once it started going downhill, it was like a snowball going down hill, just getting bigger and bigger and bigger at which point I got enveloped in the snowball and taken downhill with it.

That was, sometime in 1995 I believe. I was 20 years old and still not understanding what my life was all about. Fast forward 15 years (lol) and I finally understand what it means to be truly worthy of love. In the year 2000 I moved to Kansas City, Missouri which eludes to a whole other story that is not important to this entry, but sometime in 2000-2001 I met a woman named Bukeka. She really is an amazing soul, a kind of a person I've never really encountered before. It's hard to even describe what an energy she has, but needless to say that I started listening to her original music, and slowly, slowly digesting the message she takes to people around the country which just happens to be "I am worthy of love". This is at the top of her blog.
Everyone is worthy simply because we exist as a unique one of a kind individual, never again to be repeated. One reason why we do not believe we ourselves are worthy, simply because we exist, is because of our certainty that it is not true of other people. We ask ourselves, how is it possible that people who have committed inhumane atrocities be worthy simply because they exist? They are, you are and so is everyone
If that isn't thought provoking than I don't know what is.

-to be continued