melancholy
this is an ooold post....it was in my draft folder from god knows when
I've been feeling a bit odd lately, the best word that I can come up with is melancholy. Dictionary.com defnies melancholy as sober thoughtfulness; pensiveness. I have been exhilirated about the inauguration of Barack Obama, and quite hopefull for his success. I just can't seem to shake this feeling of these racing thoughts that are in my brain. I just had an intake appointment at Truman Medical Center's Behavioral Health to set me up with a new psychologist and I'm raring to go with that. I suppose it's the confluence of having to go over my past experiences, both good and bad, within that intake appointment that has gotten me to this melancholy point. I am starting to realize that my problems with depression, and anxiety are more serious than I had anticipated. I understand that I have these issues, and for the last year or so I have been attending therapy sessions with a counsellor that I really appreciate. What I think has led me to this point is that I have started seeing a new doctor, and she after reviewing my past files, and my past experiences has reccomended that I go to a new psychologist. I have to say that after that intake appointment, the fact that I have these issues have hit me harder than anytime before. Maybe it's a self-awareness that I haven't had before, maybe it's a confluence of things that I don't understand yet. What the pervasive theme of these new doctors and shrinks etc have relayed to me is that I am in need of an actual professional psychologist. One thing that I can be thankful for, is that I am not in any way ashamed of my past, or my current issues. I know that I am working on them on my own, and with the generous help of my longtime counsellor George. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's hitting me that these issues are more serious than I had originally anticipated, and I also realize that there is tons of work to do, both personally and with these professionals. I am again, so thankful, to these people for helping me along with the process.
I actually feel quite good about the last year or so, in terms of my psychological well being. I, for the first time in my life have taken responsibility for the actions that I have taken in the past and I am working on myself and my thoughts, my actions and my relationship with those around me every day. This is not to say that every day is a good day, there are certainly really crappy days that the depression takes hold and despite the medication, basically takes over. The only thing that I can do to counter that experience is just to be PRESENT, and to feel what I am feeling authentically, and not be in a place of judgement, but just to let it go, because I've learned to try and fight it is exactly the wrong thing to do. One of things that my wonderful friend Bukeka and I often talk about is being the 'observer self'. That entails not only to be present in the moment that whatever feelings come up, but to also observe what my reactions to the feelings, and observe my actions in response to the feelings. It gives me a sense of peace to be able to not only take this depression in stride, but also to take a new angle at fighting it. To be the observer self, which ia a wonderful tool to help in the process of figuring out what this is stemming from and what I can do to fight the negative, racing thoughts that come into my brain.
This is one of my first personally written posts on this blog, and it is quite personal, but I strive to keep fighting the good fight, be present in my feelings, my actions, and my reactions. I know I am doing so much better than before, it just seems that despire all the work I've done in the last two years or so, there seems to be a gargantuan amount of work to do ahead, not all is pretty, most of it is working through the issues that have led me to this point. I do have a sense of optimism that I can get through this, that the only way to go is up now. On the other hand, I feel as though there is a mountain of work still to be done. I am going to do the best I know how and thanks to the wonderful counsellor G.WineChase that I've been seeing the whole process seems to be on the upswing.
The only thing I know for sure, is to put one foot in front of the other, to keep on working on myself on a daily basis, to be keenly aware of the issues that I have and to take those into consideration and most of all be gentle with myself because I've treated myself so harshly in the past, blaming myself for all the crap that has happened. I have a long way to go, and I feel that I am working towards a good goal of maintaining my mental health, and not let it spiral into a downward trajectory that has been so present in the past. I know the warning signs, I know what has to happen and I know what I am going to do to go forward. Be aware, be present, and be gentle with myself. I don't think many people read this blog, it's mostly for posterity that I keep this going, but I love having a forum to throw these things down....which is a part of the process. Moving forward through the issues...one step in front of the other. What else can anyone expect of themselves or anyone else? To keep working on everything, to be present, and to be aware. One step at a time, one day at a time.
On one hand I feel quite content that I have these people helping me, because I know that I need help. One the other hand I have come to realization that these issues are still with me, and if I keep a keen awareness of these issues, and work on them, than I do have hope that one day (and I know that it will never be easy) I won't have to struggle with this as much as I have in the past. So I say with a spirit of gratitude to all the people that have helped me along the way, Thank you thank you thank you, and to those people that are going to start helping me, thank you in advance. I'm not sure if this post is just a rambling post, but it seems that this is what I've written down for now. Hopefully I can find a place of contentment that I've been seeking for what seems a lifetime. If there are any resources that anyone can reccomend, I'd be very open to hearing your thoughts about the subject. Please email me at ohthebilldotcom@gmail.com.
Peace,
OhTheBill
I've been feeling a bit odd lately, the best word that I can come up with is melancholy. Dictionary.com defnies melancholy as sober thoughtfulness; pensiveness. I have been exhilirated about the inauguration of Barack Obama, and quite hopefull for his success. I just can't seem to shake this feeling of these racing thoughts that are in my brain. I just had an intake appointment at Truman Medical Center's Behavioral Health to set me up with a new psychologist and I'm raring to go with that. I suppose it's the confluence of having to go over my past experiences, both good and bad, within that intake appointment that has gotten me to this melancholy point. I am starting to realize that my problems with depression, and anxiety are more serious than I had anticipated. I understand that I have these issues, and for the last year or so I have been attending therapy sessions with a counsellor that I really appreciate. What I think has led me to this point is that I have started seeing a new doctor, and she after reviewing my past files, and my past experiences has reccomended that I go to a new psychologist. I have to say that after that intake appointment, the fact that I have these issues have hit me harder than anytime before. Maybe it's a self-awareness that I haven't had before, maybe it's a confluence of things that I don't understand yet. What the pervasive theme of these new doctors and shrinks etc have relayed to me is that I am in need of an actual professional psychologist. One thing that I can be thankful for, is that I am not in any way ashamed of my past, or my current issues. I know that I am working on them on my own, and with the generous help of my longtime counsellor George. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's hitting me that these issues are more serious than I had originally anticipated, and I also realize that there is tons of work to do, both personally and with these professionals. I am again, so thankful, to these people for helping me along with the process.
I actually feel quite good about the last year or so, in terms of my psychological well being. I, for the first time in my life have taken responsibility for the actions that I have taken in the past and I am working on myself and my thoughts, my actions and my relationship with those around me every day. This is not to say that every day is a good day, there are certainly really crappy days that the depression takes hold and despite the medication, basically takes over. The only thing that I can do to counter that experience is just to be PRESENT, and to feel what I am feeling authentically, and not be in a place of judgement, but just to let it go, because I've learned to try and fight it is exactly the wrong thing to do. One of things that my wonderful friend Bukeka and I often talk about is being the 'observer self'. That entails not only to be present in the moment that whatever feelings come up, but to also observe what my reactions to the feelings, and observe my actions in response to the feelings. It gives me a sense of peace to be able to not only take this depression in stride, but also to take a new angle at fighting it. To be the observer self, which ia a wonderful tool to help in the process of figuring out what this is stemming from and what I can do to fight the negative, racing thoughts that come into my brain.
This is one of my first personally written posts on this blog, and it is quite personal, but I strive to keep fighting the good fight, be present in my feelings, my actions, and my reactions. I know I am doing so much better than before, it just seems that despire all the work I've done in the last two years or so, there seems to be a gargantuan amount of work to do ahead, not all is pretty, most of it is working through the issues that have led me to this point. I do have a sense of optimism that I can get through this, that the only way to go is up now. On the other hand, I feel as though there is a mountain of work still to be done. I am going to do the best I know how and thanks to the wonderful counsellor G.WineChase that I've been seeing the whole process seems to be on the upswing.
The only thing I know for sure, is to put one foot in front of the other, to keep on working on myself on a daily basis, to be keenly aware of the issues that I have and to take those into consideration and most of all be gentle with myself because I've treated myself so harshly in the past, blaming myself for all the crap that has happened. I have a long way to go, and I feel that I am working towards a good goal of maintaining my mental health, and not let it spiral into a downward trajectory that has been so present in the past. I know the warning signs, I know what has to happen and I know what I am going to do to go forward. Be aware, be present, and be gentle with myself. I don't think many people read this blog, it's mostly for posterity that I keep this going, but I love having a forum to throw these things down....which is a part of the process. Moving forward through the issues...one step in front of the other. What else can anyone expect of themselves or anyone else? To keep working on everything, to be present, and to be aware. One step at a time, one day at a time.
On one hand I feel quite content that I have these people helping me, because I know that I need help. One the other hand I have come to realization that these issues are still with me, and if I keep a keen awareness of these issues, and work on them, than I do have hope that one day (and I know that it will never be easy) I won't have to struggle with this as much as I have in the past. So I say with a spirit of gratitude to all the people that have helped me along the way, Thank you thank you thank you, and to those people that are going to start helping me, thank you in advance. I'm not sure if this post is just a rambling post, but it seems that this is what I've written down for now. Hopefully I can find a place of contentment that I've been seeking for what seems a lifetime. If there are any resources that anyone can reccomend, I'd be very open to hearing your thoughts about the subject. Please email me at ohthebilldotcom@gmail.com.
Peace,
OhTheBill
Comments
Post a Comment