The day we say goodbye to two loved ones
thought of the day from ThoughtADay.com
Live life to the fullest and make the best of what today has to offer without worry and fear of what tomorrow might bring.
Well today is the day. There is a visitation tonight at the funeral home in Osawatomie, and then tomorrow morning, we will say goodbye to her for the last time. It has been such an intense week, it seems like this is almost not happening, but I know that it is. Richard and I were talking last night, about people coming back after they have passed on, and I told him that if I died suddenly or something like that, or if he did, that I wanted us to promise eachother that we would come back and see eachother. I think that's so wonderful. So Richard is down in Osawatomie for the morning, but is coming back for the afternoon, and then is picking me up and we are going down to the funeral home, and having the visitation. I am taking the day off tomorrow, to go to the funeral, so I'll stay in Osawatomie with Richard, and be with him tomorrow. We (meaning Richard and I) keep on talking about how there seems to be an undercurrent of people expecting Richard to just break down and cry, but I think that this whole process has been filled with peace, and I think Doris and John are in a much more peaceful place than they were here on Earth, with their failing bodies. Logic can only turn that way.
This is an article that I get every month or so, about gay issues, from this guy, his name is John Arvosis, and sends out this newsletter every couple of weeks. I think it is amazing, Here it is:
1. GAY YOUTH AND SUICIDE: A TRUE STORY
I got an email the other day from a young gay kid who was considering killing himself. Fortunately, the story ends well. But it got me thinking about as much as things have changed for the better for gay people around the world, there's still a lot to be done, and lots of kids are still at risk. In this young man's case, he's from Europe, and has had to face constant verbal and physical harassment in his high school, from kids assuming (correctly) that he's gay. He's already to the point where he's considering suicide - he mentioned several plans in his email to me - because he just can't take it anymore. This young man's case really opened my eyes. First, because he's from a VERY gay friendly country - one in which you wouldn't suppose kids had to face this kind of harassment. But according to a woman at a crisis center I contacted, she said this kind of harassment in schools is all too common, even in the "friendly" countries. But what surprised me perhaps as much was the lack of resources available for gay or questioning kids who are in trouble. I scoured the Web for stuff, and finally came up with my own list, after hours of research. You can find that list of sites here (and please link to it as a resource on gay youth issues): http://uspolitics.about.com/cs/gayyouthissues/index.htm But I have to admit being a bit disappointed that there's no super-duper gay youth site that makes it painfully obvious where to find resources for kids in trouble, particularly kids who aren't American (yes, there are sites, but they're damn hard to find, and you tend to have to dig for the info you're looking for). And, perhaps the most troubling fact from this episode was the unhelpfulness of a variety of professional homosexuals that I called. Some, like Advocates for Youth, were fabulous. They were, unfortunately, the last folks I called - and were by far the most helpful (thanks guys). But others, like a certain un-named organization that has considerable expertise on international issues, couldn't have cared less. I called this well-known organization (no, it wasn't HRC), figuring that they could at least suggest a gay-knowledgeable contact in this kid's country who could point me to the local equivalent of PFLAG. Well, I got an earful of disinterest, with phrases such as "we don't handle that kind of stuff." I rather brutally informed the guy that as a political consultant, I don't handle gay youth suicide either, but that as a human being, I was willing to drop what I'm doing for a few hours to help stop a gay kid from killing himself - was he? The guy finally relented and gave me a name and number. My point? First, things aren't as rosy as you think. For kids just coming out, it's still a nasty world out there, and they do NOT know where to go for help. To you it might be obvious now to call PFLAG, but did you even know about PFLAG when you were a kid? And second, this is not the first experience I've had with big gay groups refusing to do constituent work. Get with the program guys. People need your help. If I can drop my consulting work, that has nothing to do with gay stuff, in order to help on something, you can too. I'm not looking for kudos, just a little help. PS The kid is now in contact with local folks who can help him.
2. LEAVE ANDREW ALONE
There seems to be a burgeoning cottage industry in pulverizing Andrew Sullivan. As you may know, Andrew is a well-known gay writer who frequently appears on TV, and in print in the New York Times and other publications. Andrew is English, conservative, smart and biting. Basically, he ticks a lot of people off. Of late, he's faced criticism over a variety of issues, including the issue of barebacking and accepting ads on his web site, AndrewSullivan.com While I don't want to spend a lot of time getting into the guts of the criticism he's received, and I am certainly not suggesting that the criticism is frivolous. (In the case of the barebacking blow-up, Andrew was criticized quite sharply by fellow gay-writer Michelangelo Signorile, who is a friend of mine. While I've said publicly, and privately, that I'm not convinced Andrew's actions merited the printing of Mike's piece, I also know Mike well enough, and think there's enough gray area on this issue, that I refuse to consider Signorile's article as a personal attack, gratuitous, or per se unfair on its face.) Having said all of that, I have a feeling in my gut that overall Andrew's getting a bad rap in the community. Yes, folks, he pisses me off too - a lot. He's criticized some of the work I do, including the StopDrLaura.com campaign, and even went on TV and admitted that her words were bigoted, then turned around later and said Laura had never said anything that bad. (And let's not even talk about his article on the small boy raped and murdered by two gays guys.) But in spite of all that, I really don't believe Andrew is a "bad" person, and I fear that some of the criticism he's getting (and I exclude Signorile here) is motivated by people who simply disagree with him, rather than any legitimate effort to expose someone who is our enemy. Let me also admit that I know Andrew. I wouldn't call him a close friend - he's one of those people you see out, and you talk for 5 or 10 minutes to catch up - but I owe Andrew a lot. He was the first person I came out to in Washington, DC, and he helped me a lot. He was very caring, sympathetic, and there-for-me even though he didn't know me from Adam (I wrote him a Dear-Andrew letter at the New Republic back in 1991 or so after reading about him in the New York Times). In a very real way, Andrew is one of the few people responsible for starting me on a path that leads to the gay political work I do today, and that, folks, includes my work on StopDrLaura.com. Perhaps the moral here is that people are not always as black and white as we want them to be. Andrew is not perfect, and I have some serious concerns about some of his writing. But if we look deeply enough, we sometimes find good in people that we didn't expect, as sometimes folks help the community in ways that aren't always obvious, and aren't always public. Does that mean Andrew is innocent of all charges? Maybe, maybe not. But I know from personal experience that he is not the monster some would like him to be.
NAVAJO HATE CRIME
There's a story a lot of people may have missed about a transgender Navajo boy, who was recently killed because he was thought he was really a girl. Rather than go into the details, check out Deb Levinson's coverage of the story on About.com, which links to lots of other articles about the crime. http://gaylesissues.about.com/library/content/bl_tidbit0010.htm
HE EX-GAY DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH
Ok, I get accused of writing too much depressing stuff in these newsletters, so here's a quote that will hopefully put a smile on your face, and piss you off just a bit. The "ex-gays" (all 3 of them) had a very nice write-up recently in the Chicago Tribune. And there was this little gem of a quote buried deep in the article, in which the "ex-gays" define heterosexuality. Check this out: BEGINNING OF QUOTE " 'The opposite of homosexuality is not heterosexuality; it's holiness,' said Lance Hastings, an ex-gay Assemblies of God missionary in Key West, Fla. 'It's to be set apart by God so you become a man or woman of God. 'Freedom from homosexuality is not necessarily marrying a person of the opposite sex, having 2.3 children and a dog in the back yard,' said Tim Wilkins, an ex-gay Southern Baptist minister and scheduled speaker at the upcoming Exodus conference. 'We have this misunderstanding that people have to be able to physically function as heterosexual in marriage. That is not the end-all. Sexual activity is not the end-all.' " END OF QUOTE The opposite of homosexuality is "holiness"? Yeah, well tell that to your wife next time she wants to have sex. Hello? The opposite of a guy sleeping with guys is a guy sleeping with chicks. My 9-year-old nephew could tell you that one. What these "ex-gays" are in fact saying is that they can't get it up with girls. Why's that? BECAUSE THEY'RE STILL GAY!!! What an appalling, yet telling quote from these folks. Can you imagine asking ten random straight guys on the street how they define heterosexuality? I'm sure not even one of them would say "holiness," and if you told them that you didn't like sleeping with women, but you were still straight, they'd laugh at you. You can see the entire article here: http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/nationworld/article/0,2669,1-0107220543,FF.html <><><><><><><>
5. BIGOTS ON PARADE
Ok, so here is the piece that will really piss you off. Two things happened in the past few weeks. First, you know about the Salvation Army anti-gay mess. Suffice it so, don't give to the Salvation Army - their national headquarters promotes discrimination against gay people. (You can read more about it here: http://uspolitics.about.com/library/weekly/aa071001a.htm ) More importantly, Bush's new "faith-based initiative" (the new program he wants to fund federal dollars to religious charities), well, get this. Bush's proposal will override state and city laws and ordinances that ban discrimination against gays as it pertains to religious charities. A number of Democrats and moderate Republicans tried to get the damn thing amended before it passed the House, but no luck - it passed a few days ago. The only hope now is that the US Senate does not pass Mr. Bush's cute little attempt to roll back the clock on discrimination. Uniter, my ass. And one more thing to tick you off. The radically-irrelevant-right is now proposing a constitutional amendment to codify discrimination against gay people. Yep, unhappy with simply tying us up to fences and beating us to death, some people want to amend the constitution to make it explicitly anti-gay. I guess as you become an irrelevant anachronism in the culture, you have to go to extreme measures to get attention. It's unfortunate that it's exactly this kind of message that makes young boys and girls want to kill themselves. But what's a few deaths here and there for a good cause.
So I thought that was brilliant! I've been corresponding with John about that Chicago Tribune link not working. I also suggested that he use the Rufus Wainwright, and Elton John article for his next issue!
Live life to the fullest and make the best of what today has to offer without worry and fear of what tomorrow might bring.
Well today is the day. There is a visitation tonight at the funeral home in Osawatomie, and then tomorrow morning, we will say goodbye to her for the last time. It has been such an intense week, it seems like this is almost not happening, but I know that it is. Richard and I were talking last night, about people coming back after they have passed on, and I told him that if I died suddenly or something like that, or if he did, that I wanted us to promise eachother that we would come back and see eachother. I think that's so wonderful. So Richard is down in Osawatomie for the morning, but is coming back for the afternoon, and then is picking me up and we are going down to the funeral home, and having the visitation. I am taking the day off tomorrow, to go to the funeral, so I'll stay in Osawatomie with Richard, and be with him tomorrow. We (meaning Richard and I) keep on talking about how there seems to be an undercurrent of people expecting Richard to just break down and cry, but I think that this whole process has been filled with peace, and I think Doris and John are in a much more peaceful place than they were here on Earth, with their failing bodies. Logic can only turn that way.
This is an article that I get every month or so, about gay issues, from this guy, his name is John Arvosis, and sends out this newsletter every couple of weeks. I think it is amazing, Here it is:
1. GAY YOUTH AND SUICIDE: A TRUE STORY
I got an email the other day from a young gay kid who was considering killing himself. Fortunately, the story ends well. But it got me thinking about as much as things have changed for the better for gay people around the world, there's still a lot to be done, and lots of kids are still at risk. In this young man's case, he's from Europe, and has had to face constant verbal and physical harassment in his high school, from kids assuming (correctly) that he's gay. He's already to the point where he's considering suicide - he mentioned several plans in his email to me - because he just can't take it anymore. This young man's case really opened my eyes. First, because he's from a VERY gay friendly country - one in which you wouldn't suppose kids had to face this kind of harassment. But according to a woman at a crisis center I contacted, she said this kind of harassment in schools is all too common, even in the "friendly" countries. But what surprised me perhaps as much was the lack of resources available for gay or questioning kids who are in trouble. I scoured the Web for stuff, and finally came up with my own list, after hours of research. You can find that list of sites here (and please link to it as a resource on gay youth issues): http://uspolitics.about.com/cs/gayyouthissues/index.htm But I have to admit being a bit disappointed that there's no super-duper gay youth site that makes it painfully obvious where to find resources for kids in trouble, particularly kids who aren't American (yes, there are sites, but they're damn hard to find, and you tend to have to dig for the info you're looking for). And, perhaps the most troubling fact from this episode was the unhelpfulness of a variety of professional homosexuals that I called. Some, like Advocates for Youth, were fabulous. They were, unfortunately, the last folks I called - and were by far the most helpful (thanks guys). But others, like a certain un-named organization that has considerable expertise on international issues, couldn't have cared less. I called this well-known organization (no, it wasn't HRC), figuring that they could at least suggest a gay-knowledgeable contact in this kid's country who could point me to the local equivalent of PFLAG. Well, I got an earful of disinterest, with phrases such as "we don't handle that kind of stuff." I rather brutally informed the guy that as a political consultant, I don't handle gay youth suicide either, but that as a human being, I was willing to drop what I'm doing for a few hours to help stop a gay kid from killing himself - was he? The guy finally relented and gave me a name and number. My point? First, things aren't as rosy as you think. For kids just coming out, it's still a nasty world out there, and they do NOT know where to go for help. To you it might be obvious now to call PFLAG, but did you even know about PFLAG when you were a kid? And second, this is not the first experience I've had with big gay groups refusing to do constituent work. Get with the program guys. People need your help. If I can drop my consulting work, that has nothing to do with gay stuff, in order to help on something, you can too. I'm not looking for kudos, just a little help. PS The kid is now in contact with local folks who can help him.
2. LEAVE ANDREW ALONE
There seems to be a burgeoning cottage industry in pulverizing Andrew Sullivan. As you may know, Andrew is a well-known gay writer who frequently appears on TV, and in print in the New York Times and other publications. Andrew is English, conservative, smart and biting. Basically, he ticks a lot of people off. Of late, he's faced criticism over a variety of issues, including the issue of barebacking and accepting ads on his web site, AndrewSullivan.com While I don't want to spend a lot of time getting into the guts of the criticism he's received, and I am certainly not suggesting that the criticism is frivolous. (In the case of the barebacking blow-up, Andrew was criticized quite sharply by fellow gay-writer Michelangelo Signorile, who is a friend of mine. While I've said publicly, and privately, that I'm not convinced Andrew's actions merited the printing of Mike's piece, I also know Mike well enough, and think there's enough gray area on this issue, that I refuse to consider Signorile's article as a personal attack, gratuitous, or per se unfair on its face.) Having said all of that, I have a feeling in my gut that overall Andrew's getting a bad rap in the community. Yes, folks, he pisses me off too - a lot. He's criticized some of the work I do, including the StopDrLaura.com campaign, and even went on TV and admitted that her words were bigoted, then turned around later and said Laura had never said anything that bad. (And let's not even talk about his article on the small boy raped and murdered by two gays guys.) But in spite of all that, I really don't believe Andrew is a "bad" person, and I fear that some of the criticism he's getting (and I exclude Signorile here) is motivated by people who simply disagree with him, rather than any legitimate effort to expose someone who is our enemy. Let me also admit that I know Andrew. I wouldn't call him a close friend - he's one of those people you see out, and you talk for 5 or 10 minutes to catch up - but I owe Andrew a lot. He was the first person I came out to in Washington, DC, and he helped me a lot. He was very caring, sympathetic, and there-for-me even though he didn't know me from Adam (I wrote him a Dear-Andrew letter at the New Republic back in 1991 or so after reading about him in the New York Times). In a very real way, Andrew is one of the few people responsible for starting me on a path that leads to the gay political work I do today, and that, folks, includes my work on StopDrLaura.com. Perhaps the moral here is that people are not always as black and white as we want them to be. Andrew is not perfect, and I have some serious concerns about some of his writing. But if we look deeply enough, we sometimes find good in people that we didn't expect, as sometimes folks help the community in ways that aren't always obvious, and aren't always public. Does that mean Andrew is innocent of all charges? Maybe, maybe not. But I know from personal experience that he is not the monster some would like him to be.
NAVAJO HATE CRIME
There's a story a lot of people may have missed about a transgender Navajo boy, who was recently killed because he was thought he was really a girl. Rather than go into the details, check out Deb Levinson's coverage of the story on About.com, which links to lots of other articles about the crime. http://gaylesissues.about.com/library/content/bl_tidbit0010.htm
HE EX-GAY DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH
Ok, I get accused of writing too much depressing stuff in these newsletters, so here's a quote that will hopefully put a smile on your face, and piss you off just a bit. The "ex-gays" (all 3 of them) had a very nice write-up recently in the Chicago Tribune. And there was this little gem of a quote buried deep in the article, in which the "ex-gays" define heterosexuality. Check this out: BEGINNING OF QUOTE " 'The opposite of homosexuality is not heterosexuality; it's holiness,' said Lance Hastings, an ex-gay Assemblies of God missionary in Key West, Fla. 'It's to be set apart by God so you become a man or woman of God. 'Freedom from homosexuality is not necessarily marrying a person of the opposite sex, having 2.3 children and a dog in the back yard,' said Tim Wilkins, an ex-gay Southern Baptist minister and scheduled speaker at the upcoming Exodus conference. 'We have this misunderstanding that people have to be able to physically function as heterosexual in marriage. That is not the end-all. Sexual activity is not the end-all.' " END OF QUOTE The opposite of homosexuality is "holiness"? Yeah, well tell that to your wife next time she wants to have sex. Hello? The opposite of a guy sleeping with guys is a guy sleeping with chicks. My 9-year-old nephew could tell you that one. What these "ex-gays" are in fact saying is that they can't get it up with girls. Why's that? BECAUSE THEY'RE STILL GAY!!! What an appalling, yet telling quote from these folks. Can you imagine asking ten random straight guys on the street how they define heterosexuality? I'm sure not even one of them would say "holiness," and if you told them that you didn't like sleeping with women, but you were still straight, they'd laugh at you. You can see the entire article here: http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/nationworld/article/0,2669,1-0107220543,FF.html <><><><><><><>
5. BIGOTS ON PARADE
Ok, so here is the piece that will really piss you off. Two things happened in the past few weeks. First, you know about the Salvation Army anti-gay mess. Suffice it so, don't give to the Salvation Army - their national headquarters promotes discrimination against gay people. (You can read more about it here: http://uspolitics.about.com/library/weekly/aa071001a.htm ) More importantly, Bush's new "faith-based initiative" (the new program he wants to fund federal dollars to religious charities), well, get this. Bush's proposal will override state and city laws and ordinances that ban discrimination against gays as it pertains to religious charities. A number of Democrats and moderate Republicans tried to get the damn thing amended before it passed the House, but no luck - it passed a few days ago. The only hope now is that the US Senate does not pass Mr. Bush's cute little attempt to roll back the clock on discrimination. Uniter, my ass. And one more thing to tick you off. The radically-irrelevant-right is now proposing a constitutional amendment to codify discrimination against gay people. Yep, unhappy with simply tying us up to fences and beating us to death, some people want to amend the constitution to make it explicitly anti-gay. I guess as you become an irrelevant anachronism in the culture, you have to go to extreme measures to get attention. It's unfortunate that it's exactly this kind of message that makes young boys and girls want to kill themselves. But what's a few deaths here and there for a good cause.
So I thought that was brilliant! I've been corresponding with John about that Chicago Tribune link not working. I also suggested that he use the Rufus Wainwright, and Elton John article for his next issue!
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