Tuesday, November 13, 2001

The Five Stages of Acceptance of Blogaholism

You run the risk of overreaching. Know who is on the other end of a deal before making an inappropriate bid or foolish offer. Consult with a partner at each stage of the game.

A vote-by-vote review of untallied ballots in the 2000 Florida presidential election commissioned by the nation's main media outlets shows Al Gore edged ahead of George W. Bush "under all the scenarios for counting all undervotes and overvotes statewide," the DRUDGE REPORT has learned. APCNNNYTWASHPOSTLATIMESNEWSDAYCHICAGOTRIB will splash in Monday editions an election review which will ignite total controversy during a time of war, publishing sources told DRUDGE on Sunday. MORE Bush would have narrowly prevailed in the partial recounts sought by Gore, but Gore could have "reversed the outcome -- by the smallest of margins -- had he pursued and gained a complete statewide recount," according to one interpretation of the database compiled by the monstermedia consortium. [Each media outlet will produce a news analysis based on the database product.] Under any standard that counted all disputed votes in Florida, Gore erased Bush's advantage and emerged with a tiny lead that ranged from 42 to 171 votes. Gore followed a legal strategy that would have led to his defeat even if it had not been rejected by the U.S. Supreme Court, according to one interpretation set for publication. Gore sought a recount of a small number of disputed ballots while the review indicates his only chance lay in a course he advocated publicly but did not pursue in court -- a full statewide recount of untallied votes! Gore took a 171-vote lead when the consortium tried to recreate how each county said it would handle a court-ordered statewide recount, and a 42-vote lead under what was called the "Palm Beach standard". MORE All outcomes were closer than the 537 votes of Bush's official victory, the media outlets will claim, while noting it would be impossible to interpret the survey results as definitive, with such narrow margins in all directions.
The Five Stages of Acceptance of Blogaholism
1) Denial: 'Me? You think I blog too much? Yeah? According to whom?? By what high and mighty standard am I being judged? You wanna see someone who blogs too much?? I'll show you someone who blogs too much - than you'll see...' (runs off to write blog entry about the confrontation). 

2) Anger: ' Well, blog you!! You heard me - shove it up your blogging ass! You're always on my blogging back about blog like this ... I've had it up to my motherblogging eyes with your blogging complaining...' (runs off to have 'blog' tattooed on four knuckles of one hand, and 'post' tattooed on the other hand)

3) Depression: ' MY CONNECTION IS DOWN!!!! OhmyGodOhmyGodOhmyGodOhmyGod!!!!' (writes blog by hand on a scrap of paper... twenty minutes later, writes another) 

4) Bargaining: ' Puh-leeeeez let me write one more blog entry ... [sob] ... puh-leeeez ... [sob] ... I just want to post one more - I won't blog anymore today [sniff] ... thanks ...' (runs off to write blog at 11:45pm ... 15 minutes before tomorrow) 

5) Acceptance: 'Yeah, yeah, fine ... yeah, I blog ... too ... yeah, yeah ... much ... I am listening to you ... yeah... blogging ... to much ... does 'tomorrow' have two M's? ... fine, fine, whatever ... yeah, fine ... just let me get this typed... 
12 steps of recovery if you are a blogaholic
... 1) admitted you are powerless over blogging (uh - but don't make that admission in your blog, okay?) 

2 ) came to believe that a power greater than blogging could restore your sanity, like journal writing or ... i know! i know! an online diary! 

3) made a decision to turn your will and your life over to the care of someone who doesn't have an internet connection. wait - do you know anyone offline? 

4) made a searching and fearless inventory of all of your blog accounts and all of the passwords, wrote them on a piece of paper which was then swallowed. 

5) admitted to 'ZumaGrrl69' on irc that you are addicted to blogasms* 

6) were entirely ready to have the telco remove your DSL line (ouch) 

7) humbly asked the 24-hour internet cafe down the street to delete your account. 

8) made a list of all the bloggers you had insulted, dissed, and generally pissed off, and were willing to travel the country stalking them in order to apologize in person. 

9) paid restitution to such people wherever possible, as prescribed by the court order you received after being sued for harrassment on AIM. 

10) continued to take personal inventory and pack your things so you could skedaddle out of town because the apologies you continued to make were getting annoying. hey, at least you're trying. 

11) sought through visits to the local malls to improve your conscious contact with real human beings, paying for the lunches of those you didn't immediately creep out (NB don't wear the 'bloggers do it hourly' t-shirt) 

12) tried to carry this message to other blogaholics, and to practice these principles until it got more all-consuming than blogging did.